Tag: COVID-19

Covid Journey: Christ With Me

The following blog post is part 3 of my journey with Covid this summer.

During the journey, I ended up in the emergency room with breathing difficulty and high blood pressure.  It was my 60th birthday – not exactly my idea of a party.  After a variety of tests and examination, the physician told me that one of the blood tests indicated that the pumping of my heart had been affected by the virus.  All I could think was Daddy’s cardiomyopathy started when he was in his early 60’s.  I knew his road for the next 20 years – one that involved multiple medicines and procedures.  When I moved the scales to our kitchen to monitor my fluid retention, I remembered Daddy doing the same thing.  My fears were quickly taking me down this road. 

Thankfully I was not admitted to the hospital.  “Take the fluid pills and rest.”  I began to feel better in a few days.  Yet, the fear of damage to my heart still nagged at me.  Was my heart pumping like it should?  Was this the beginning of long-term cardiomyopathy?  Was this something that would go away? 

From my journal – 8/12/20 – Yesterday I had the echo and an EKG.  Good results!  No issues with my heart – function has returned to normal!

Thank you, Lord.  It’s still going to take time to be 100% – yet it can happen slowly – I am so thankful for the community of faith.  So many people rejoiced with me. 

One of the holy moments yesterday was the medical assistant who checked me in.  She talked with me, asked all the questions necessary (including what I did for a living) and then she said she was going to do an EKG.

Then her voice became very quiet and she said, “and while I do this test, I want you to say Psalm 91 to yourself and then I want you to remember Isaiah 53 – ‘by His stripes you are healed.’ ”

She was looking at me directly, eye to eye.  She said “You are accustomed to give and give to others.  Now you need to receive.  Receive the healing – receive the blessing – Yes, you have symptoms and yes, God is with you.”

It was like God was speaking directly into my soul through her.  God – You were indeed doing this – speaking directly into my eyes.  From behind my mask, I told her if she could see my mouth, she’d know that I was smiling.  She said she could see it in my eyes.

Lord Jesus, thank you for this holy moment!  It was so reassuring.  So important in the moment!

It was not preachy words to me – She was with me – She was Christ with me!

The medical assistant had no knowledge of my nagging fears.  She didn’t know that I was imagining a path of long-term cardiac issues.  She didn’t know that I was fearful of having stamina to coach, lead a retreat, play with future grandchildren, plant flowers or just walk upstairs without shortness of breath.  She didn’t know how my fear was clouding my future. 

She simply responded to God’s movement within her and allowed herself to be an instrument of Christ.  She didn’t preach to me.  She didn’t “guilt me” that I shouldn’t be fearful.  She just reminded me that Christ was with me.  Indeed, she was Christ with me.

She will never know how Christ used her in that moment.

She responded to Christ’s leading.

May I do the same.

Covid Journey: Tears in Your Bottle

For many years, I have journaled my prayers, thoughts, questions and experiences.  I’ve never shared any of these writings.  Actually, I’ve joked with Noah that when I’m gone from this earth, he should promptly burn all of my journals.  Lately I’ve been thinking that maybe there’s reason to hold onto the journals.  Maybe they will give my grandchildren or great-grandchildren a glimpse of my spiritual struggles and joys.  Some entries are not “pretty”.  They clearly show my junk.  They also reveal my desire to follow Jesus and understand more fully who God is calling me to be.

As I’ve journeyed through Covid-19, I have continued to journal.  Some days I was too sick to write.  Some days I didn’t want to write.  Yet, through all of it, God journeyed with me.  

I should say that these are my thoughts and prayers – not Noah’s.  Yes, we were sick at the same time and sometimes we voiced to one another some of the same sentiments.  Yet, I don’t write for him.

The Psalms express the emotions of humanity.  We hear the cry of the heart in these sacred words – the pain of suffering and the joy of praise.  They give us “permission to express our own words of anguish, anger and praise.  With this permission in mind, I share portions of my journal as I journeyed through Covid:

July 10 – Holy Lord, thank you for this day. . . Noah just left to get tested for Covid . . . Lord Jesus, protect us – keep us dependent and reliant on You. 

July 11 – Holy Lord, thank you for this day . . . Noah and I are in quarantine for at least 14 days.  We are both sick – similar symptoms . . . Lord, may this time be a time to draw closer to you in all the ways I can.  Help us to be wise.  Lord Jesus, it’s going to be a lot of time in stillness – self-imposed – may I sense your presence and peace in the midst of quarantine.

July 13 – Lord, I’m just having trouble thinking clearly.  Help me hear You, O Lord.

July 15 – I’m just so tired, Lord!  My chest feels tighter today – my lungs are getting a workout with Covid.

Scripture for day – Psalm 56:8 – “You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle.  Are they not in your record?”  (NRSV)

“You’ve kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights.  Each tear entered in your ledger.  Each ache written in your book.” (The Message)

O Lord, what a great Scripture for today.  This is a great reminder that you know how we feel.  Thank you, O Lord!

July 18 – Holy Lord, it’s been 3 days since I have written in my journal . . . Noah and I have been so sick with Covid.  We are still not on the other side of it but I pray we are moving towards it.  There have been a few times that I have just cried – that I thought I would not make it.  I’m probably being a little dramatic . . . I just feel so bad.  So does Noah.  Help us, Lord, to get energy.  How long, O Lord, how long will this last?  Help us, Lord, help us to recover.  Give us your healing power.  Thank you, Lord!

July 25 – Holy Lord, it’s been a week since I’ve written anything in my journal.  Every day Noah and I have had fever.  It’s been such a journey and we want to be on the other side of it.  . . . Lord, help us keep our eyes and heart on you and you alone.  Thank you, Lord!

July 29 –  Noah and I are moving forward in the Covid journey.  We pray the meds start to help with our breathing. . . I’m praying we will soon feel better.  Cognitively I pray for return of my concentration so that I can do all the things I’m called to do.  Thank you, Lord, that you have been with us through this entire ordeal.  Help us, Lord, to continue to trust you.

July 31 – This is the first day since July 10 that I’ve sat at my desk to write in my journal.  My handwriting is not good because I’m so shaky.  My breathing is still not good.  My concentration is not good.  Just help me take it one day at a time. 

Colossians 1:11-12 – We pray that you will have the strength to stick it out over the long haul – not the grim strength of gritting your teeth but the glory-strength God gives.  It is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy . . .  (Message)

Thank you, Lord, for these words!

August 2 – I sat down yesterday to write in my journal for my 60th birthday.  I was reading James 5:13-18 and my breathing was getting faster.   Noah checked my respiration rate and my blood pressure . . . I spent the afternoon in the ER.

I wasn’t scared in the ER – more wishing Noah was with me.  He had to just drop me out at the ER.  I kept hearing a phrase from my prayer time on Friday – “filled with all the fullness of God” – (Ephesians 3:19)

August 7 – Today marks 4 weeks since Noah and I were diagnosed with Covid. . . It feels so long ago – I think because we’ve been so sick.  Noah’s back to work.  I’m trying to get that way.

It’s been a journey.  Some days I sensed God’s presence so close that I felt as if I could touch Him.  Other days I wondered: “Where are you, God?  Please make this go away!  I’m so OVER this!” 

No matter the emotion, God knew my struggle and “caught my tears”.  Even if I felt alone, I was not alone.  My heart aches for the number of lives that have been lost to this horrible virus.  As I write this post, I am praying for my friend who is currently on a ventilator.

I don’t know why some people have few symptoms, some are very sick, and some lose their lives.  The only thing I know for sure is that God is with us – in the pain, in the sorrow, in the joy. 

Thanks be to God!

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Note:  This post is the first of three related posts.  The other two posts are forthcoming.

Could Not He . . .?

“Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?”

This question leapt out to me in my time of reading this morning.  A question of why couldn’t Jesus heal Lazarus?  We just saw him heal the man born blind in John 9.  Why didn’t Jesus do a long-distance prayer to Bethany and heal Lazarus before he died?

But that’s not what happened.  Lazarus does die.  People don’t understand.

The question of “could not he who . . .” struck me this morning because my guess is some folks might be saying “could not God who resurrected Jesus from the grave stop this COVID-19 pandemic?”

The short answer is yes.  The longer answer . . . for me is much more complicated and yet very simple.

My thought (and this is my thought.  If you disagree with my thought, that’s your thought):

The longer answer for me:

God sometimes does that instantaneous healing miracle.  One word and the healing happens.   Evidence in scripture – evidence throughout history.

My experience is that God calls us to “participate in our healing”.  We take the medicine.  We practice good health habits.  We practice social-distancing or maybe a better word “physical-distancing”. *   We wash our hands.  We think of others when we are shopping for bread or sugar or gracious, toilet paper!

None of us have been through what we are going through right now.  I’ve said several times this week that I feel like I’m going to wake up and it’s going to have been a dream.

But we are awake.

We are living through a time like never before.  I would not be telling you the truth if I didn’t say it makes me uneasy – to say the least.  Every time I see the news or an alert comes across my phone or my watch, I feel that uneasiness.  Every time I watch the stock market descend or the emails come to say my favorite stores are closing temporarily, I feel that uneasiness.  Then I remember that there are people – my friends, my family, my favorite server – who are touched by the latest alert.

It became very real in one simple action this week when my husband shaved off his beard that had been there for a LONG time so that he would have a good seal on his mask when he worked at the drive-through respiratory clinic (for people with concerning symptoms).  That’s real, folks.

Yes, I believe that Jesus can and does heal AND I believe that He calls us to be part of the healing for ourselves and for others.

So, what do we do?

  • We remember what we already know. The God who journeyed with his people in the desert for 40 years is the same God who journeys with us now.
  • We hold on to the faith that sustains us in the midst of all of life.
  • We hold on to the love that says, “nothing will separate us from the love of Christ Jesus.”
  • We pray – for all, particularly for every medical profession you know and those you don’t know. They are doing the very best that they can in the midst of an ever-changing landscape of health information.
  • We hold on to each other. Be comfort to one another.  Be the person who calls someone else to say I’m praying for you.
  • And my clergy friends, know that you are not alone as you figure out what to do. Support one another and know that I am praying for you.
  • And congregations, pray for your pastor. She or he is taking care of you AND they have family and friends who need them.

So back to the initial question of “could not he who . . .?

If you read on in John 11, Jesus does heal Lazarus.  He is resurrected.

Jesus says, “take away the stone” and people move the stone

(even though Martha reminds Jesus how much this will smell).

Jesus asks the question, “did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?”

Jesus commands “Lazarus, come out!”

Jesus tells others “unbind him and let him go.”

This healing involved Jesus, Lazarus and the others.  Jesus commanded, Lazarus obeyed, and others participated.

May it be so for all of us.

 

*”Don’t call it ‘social distancing’  – opinion article by Menjivar, Foster and Brand.  CNN, 3/21/20.